Take this as a JOKE only.
or don't. see if i care.

Guidelines to making the most of your IT department...

1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and
go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700
network passwords. 

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be
sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and
we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse
of yours. 

3. When IT sends you an e-mail with high importance,
delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the
public groups. 

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his
desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect
him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers. 

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or
outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question.
The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is
to ferret out all those users who don't have email or
a telephone line. 

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 

7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line
rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the
greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record
your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you
send an email straight to the director because no one
ever returned your call. You're entitled to common

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it, right? 

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems
from here. 

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it
on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and
no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone
walking you through changing a setting; read the
paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything;
we just love to hear ourselves talk. 

12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS
upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your
hand after it is done. 

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at
least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear
into the cosmos for no reason. 

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries,
send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of
them is bound to work. 

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. 

16. If you're taking night classes in computer
science, feel free to go around and update the network
drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're
grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until
2:30am fixing them. 

17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a
quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We
function better when slightly dizzy. 

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid
for it! 

19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've
installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's
nobody's business what you've got on your computer. 

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the
cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45
lbs. of computer sitting on top of them. 

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work,
blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work
much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?"
click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell,
if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't
know nothing about that computer crap". It never
bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise
referred to as crap. 

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call
the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an
extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends
that it be performed only by a professional engineer
with a master's degree in nuclear physics. 

25. When something's the matter with your computer,
ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
challenge of having to deal with a third party who
doesn't know anything about the problem. 

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to
everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got
plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that
mail server. 

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down
into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might
get a chance to squeeze into the queue. 

28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on
a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7,
even while at the supermarket on weekends. 

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have
him come in on the weekends and do his projects on
your office computer. We'll be there for you when his
illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access
database flip out. 

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to
repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we
need to fix it so your son can get back to playing
DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much
free time at the office.