Do I look like the kind of guy who would aspire to be God, or own everything... Nay, I dream of corrupting everybody to the same base degree I live on, and make them feel that I have done them a service. In that way, everyone in the world will be, once and for all, equal. We will all be equal in our sexual inadequacies, drinking intolerance, and ticklishness. Also, to find what I lost a long time ago: my foreskin. I believe in seeking one's roots for one's identity. *grin*

Words To Live By The important thing to remember in life is that no matter what you do, who you do it with, or the consequences of your actions, it's all just a temporary situation, and in 100 years nobody will remember you had latex in your belly button.

Drugs Tried marijuana a couple times. Liked it. Second time did nothing. There was something extremely funny about taking bong hits and believing that you are made of a leafy vegetable. I think I'll stick to late nights of MST3K and beating my head against my feet. They both make me feel the same. Smelled my socks and got high two weeks ago. Thought you should know. Smoking banana peels does nothing but give you headaches and bad banana breath. Don't drink and try to make bread. Anybody who cannot go the day without altering their state needs to go cycling. You can't smoke pot and bike, it just doesn't work. Caffeine can actually induce feelings of euphoria and that's very scary to me. More and more of my friends are trying natural hallucinagens and I really don't know how I feel about that. I don't think I could ever really get into drugs because I like having an active mind. My father caught me smoking pot in my room and when he asked what I was doing, well, I nearly choked laughing. It *was* kind of obvious. The weirdest thing about marijuana is that since it screws up your short-term memory, you have trouble remembering what it feels like to be stoned. If you insist on getting stoned with somebody you have never smoked with before, make sure that you know exactly where your keys are. And watch out for goldfish. I hear they're killers. I mean, when I'm the responsible one in the house, you know that things have gone downhill in a hurry. Still, after reading the purity test several thousand times, I've decided that bungee jumping on acid would be the complete and total expression of my psyche. That, or I'd freak so hard that my head would pop like a grape under a magnifying glass in the sun. The last time I wanted to get high I was denied. Bummer. If you're going to smoke pot, add Jack Daniels to the bongwater because the buzz you get is *epic*. Getting stoned with people that you don't like is a furiously annoying experience, since you spend most of the evening biting back all the nasty things you'd like to say to them. I've never been paranoid while baked, but if I ever do, expect a call from me at around 3:am concerning something about footprints on the ceiling. I was exceedingly drunk recently and had a bloody sermon on the front porch of where the party was. I was spewing a stream of consciousness (and, intermittently, vomit) non-stop for about two hours. People actually paid attention for the first thirty minutes, and then decided that I was very wasted and they should go inside and stop feeding the drunkard's ego. It's pretty frightening, but I always seem to make a point of being the really wasted one at parties.

The Woman I'm Looking For

The woman I want has many many traits that will never be found on this planet, and most certainly not in my lifetime. Still, here is a list of what I'm looking for. I'm not sticking to it; it's more for silly fun. You know that you've done the same thing anyway...

philosophical debates
the Olympics
driving very fast
wearing slutty clothes on special occasions
bad jokes and puns
cheezy Hong Kong movies
late-night television
doing absolutely nothing on certain days
the Beatles
my pasta sauce (but she knows enough to call it gravy)
picking fun at stupid people
mathematics, but only once in a while
she should:
be able to put up with mood swings (mine and hers)
bear little resemblance to my mother
make more money than I do
understand it when I don't call
be at least 21
here is a list of movies, books, and television shows she should be familiar with:
Blade Runner
Star Wars (duh!)
"Banana Split"
"Star Trek" (double-duh!)
The Abyss
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being
"The Brady Bunch"
A Clockwork Orange
"The X-Files"
Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas
Akira (bonus points for Japanese version)
Megazone 23
"Knight Rider"
"Lost In Space"
Without Feathers
Full Metal Jacket (preferably book)
Naked Lunch
physical attributes should fall into the following categories:
+4/-2 years of my age -30 <= x <= 15 lbs. more than me, unless *much* taller has all teeth somewhat athletic (but impaired due to smoking) hair color is optional... hell, hair is optional ;-) bonus points for tatoo (double bonus for location)

If you think I'm being picky, take a look at how selective most of *your* friends are, and then see how happy they are with ye olde S.O.

All items are not listed in order of preference. Comeliness is determined by x=(times men approached you while you were not drunk and tried to get "somewhere"). If x > 4, you're damn gorgeous.

More Tips For Living Never ever tell somebody, no matter how much you love them, no matter how long you have known them, no matter how many gallons of bodily fluids you shared, that their clothing looks unflattering. They never ever leave the subject alone... Smelling yourself is not a good way to tell if you need a shower. If you can, your time has long past. Nothing in this world is so important that it has to disturb a night of great sleep. Ever notice that the screws on a pair of glasses are so small, you NEED your glasses to replace them? Don't shave your butt for a friend. It itches and the friend laughs. There's nothing quite like an evening of Ring-Dings and Choco-good, except more Ring-Dings and Choco good. Death is not the end of life, but the beginning of a great meal for your friends. If you have a test the next day, don't play "Syndicate". Ever wonder why you're at WPI? Women have the answer and I wish they would tell me someday. You can't watch a movie on this or any other campus without somebody constantly commenting and I think that says something about society. Why is it that the people here are so devoid of entertainment that it's impossible to get a free modem? You're wasting you're time reading my .plan. Go do something else, like french kiss AEJ. Computer scientists scare me. Explosives can alter your chances of getting the job you want. The last thing I ever want to hear is, "Sorry, your roommate asked me out Friday night. Can we be friends?" Anybody who speaks with a limey accent trips over the strangest things. If she's cute and she has an animal nickname, consider caution before proceeding. Cuts on the penis heal far slower than on any other part of the body. Women appreciate you much more if you can massage their body properly, men simply get scared. People who go by their middle names are better looking than you are. Beards keep bellybuttons free of lint; they can catch it way before the navel. Don't practice stretching in front of other people. It either makes them nervous or competitive. Parked cars have bad brakes. Computers take much too long to complete the important tasks, like getting me a date. Anybody who lives with somebody richer than they are has the right idea; get them to buy you coffee. I'm convinced that every morning, before I wake, a small troll enters my room, hides my keys and wallet, places my alarm clock at the other end of the room, and strikes me in both eyes with a mason's hammer. Women who have more than one hair color have more than one thing on their minds; men with more than one hair color have experienced a Greg Brady and are thinking about shaving their heads. Men can almost never accept constructive criticism on their driving. Being alone is preferred to being in the company of happy smiley-all-the-time people. I'd like to run them over slowly. Eggs explode when placed in the microwave (don't crack them), marshmallows get *huge*. Maybe nobody said life was fair, but nobody said "Bleark, knoph, zarckintog" either so I don't trust them both. UNIX is a terrible operating system, but I prefer it to screaming across campus to my friends. Roy Rogers restaurants serve terrible breakfasts at 2:am. One of the coolest things I own is a chair with wheels on the bottom. A close second is my gripper grabber in my toolkit. Life is a river of despair and agony that starts someplace wretched and goes downhill from there. That guy who sells encyclopedias should be shot because my life would be much better then. Why is it that everybody has done everything I have done, but with much more exciting people and in a better location? After looking at the male body naked, one has to wonder how the race continues to procreate. People who drive nice cars have bitchy attitudes, people who drive lousy cars have annoying attitudes. Stamps taste better than they used to. Whenever I buy a new knife, within 20 minutes of purchase, I cut myself on the hand. Girls don't leave me alone and I wish they would stop shooting. Nobody in the IRS knows where I actually live and that gives me a sense of relief. People are much happier when they are receiving oral sex. Human beings make great furniture, especially limeys. Don't trust anybody who has graduated from here. Avoid text books that have reviews touting their usefulness. Food is made for one purpose, conversation. Sleeping next to people with cold rear ends can be entertaining. IBM refuses to make and sell a computer that actually works for what you need, like operating high-density disks. Don't marry girls you meet during "A Clockwork Orange". If two of your motherboards fry within three weeks of each other, it's high time you considered buying a new system. Guys who smile all the time can look very evil when they want. One of my personal heroes is the assassin from "In the Line of Fire" because he can kill people without flinching. People who have portable typewriters are actually angels. It's ridiculous that I must unlock four doors to gain entrance to my apartment, but somehow girls can enter with relative ease. Men reach sexual prime at 18 and women reach sexual prime at 35 and I think that says that there is no God. All the pretty females at WPI either have boyfriends, or even worse, your friends. Braces make kissing a difficult task. Don't ever become interested in somebody who shares a name with anybody on the Brady Bunch. Christ is one of my friends; I know because we were in the same bed. Women who carry knives should learn how to use them. In the last term I have lost two bags that I use. Both were colored black. I think the CIA is onto me. Love is so difficult sometimes that if I ever meet the person who came up with it, I'm going to take him/her bowling. Maybe the answers to the world's problems were on "The Kids in the Hall", but I've only seen one episode and I don't remember it very well. Liquid TV rules my life and yours too, but you probably don't know it yet. It's getting darker as year ends, but it's also getting warmer. People who drive expensive cars shouldn't complain when I scratch their precious BMW, they can afford a paint job much more than I can. Cars are terrible places to try and have sex. Try to date anybody who can walk on their hands for hours at a time. Someday I will look back on this and purge my stomach. "If I ever say that these were the best days of my life, remind me to kill myself". Victoria's Secret has an amazing catalogue, for both men and women can enjoy it. Nobody really knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop, and that disturbs me. It should be an MQP or something. The jackals will steal your bread, cake, and clothes if you're not careful. Nobody like a sore loser, but nobody likes a fucking arrogant asshole always winning grinning pompous prick either. "Life sucks, get a helmet" -Dennis Leary. Bending over in public is a good way to get noticed, not the best of ways, but it works. Don't tie your shoes upside down. Klingons have the best beards. Pubic hair, if left unchecked, will obscure my penis. Women don't like it when you kick them in the ass. Techno tunes are good to have sex to; they got a beat and you can dance to it. And it's a good excuse to bring in a smoke machine. If you have read this far you have read far too much. Things hide under beds, like that one sock you lose in the laundry. English papers are no fun when assigned by Yoda. Charlie Sheen is a better actor than I am. The best place to have a conversation is in my closet. I want a heavy caliber machine gun for Christmas and I want to take it to Catholic mass, so I can look like the pope pissed off. People make their own angels. When women have nervous breakdowns they almost always have a friend come with them. Men who cry should not be denied access to their meal at DAKA. It's impossible to stop eating pretzels once you start. A large Bible seconds as a doorstop. Without my clothes, at least one person would be naked. I'd like to have sex in the Garden lab and gweep at the same time; a true multitasking feat. None of my socks look any good once I put them on. Tired people are more honest than awake people. Guys who have a problem with girls who have a problem with balding men have a problem that I cannot solve. Calculus is both fun and easy. I can never travel anywhere without losing something. Trust is hard to come by when people keep walking out. Try not to sleep with more than two different people in the same week if they know each other, but don't know if you slept with the other person. Nothing hurts more than a lot of pain. Sleeping naked feels wonderful. Avoid interruptions during oral sex. It's more difficult to write when you have to check spelling. Landfills don't remove garbage. Make an attempt to vacuum the floor more than once a term. Blondes have more fun, they also have more VD. When you masturbate in the shower, clean up after yourself. Without condoms, the world would have one less thing to make fun of. Irish humor revolves around drinking, but it's very funny anyway. Militant people who play the saxophone could be considered friendly. People from Maine have good senses of humor. Girls with long hair are very sensual. When at a party, try to have everybody watch the Muppet Show. Ren and Stimpy are better than Beavis and Butthead, by far. Some people can actually have green hair and look good with it. If you find a shopping cart in your room to be a cause of alarm, maybe you should reconsider your views on shopping carts. Elevators hold more than 13 passengers and 2100 pounds. Smokers aren't bad people, they just have things hanging out of their mouths. People from upstate New York make great bottoms. Rhode Island is so small that if it floated away only Delaware would be surprised. The best beers are not brewed in the United States. Classes before 1:pm have an aura of unreality about them. When you look up at night and you don't see stars, either get new glasses or move out of the city. Jeans can never comfortably deal with the male anatomy. My motorcycle jacket looks better on other people. I want to have sex with my partner wearing it and boots. Breasts are fun things to play with. I have noticed that I have far too many pens and pencils and I don't know what to do with all of them. Penthouse is the best adult magazine ever published. Some people are easier to remember if you know them by their login names. My high school friends are the only friends I have that know what I looked like before I first had sex. Some people just don't leave you alone. Art is everything. Some guys have the cutest nicknames. If you buy enough cigarettes from the same store, they eventually come to know you. Parents don't handle car accidents well. Why are beer bubbles nicer than soda bubbles? It's been so long since I last saw "Gilligan's Island". Soon, this file will take over the system. French girls know much more about sex than American girls. Our culture is becoming defined by its music. My testicles like to roam inside my pants and they would make a run for it if I didn't wear underwear. I like to tell jokes in bed. Nobody can tell me what to think but they tell me what to bring to class. Engineers spend far too much time learning things that they use only once. Nobody trusts me enough to sleep with them. I think about sex far too much and do very little about getting any. Old English can be fun to read. You can build bridges with DAKA pudding. The girls I'm interested in never tell me they like me until one of us is getting married or moving away. Real friends lose sleep over you. It's impossible to get involved with a close friend's ex and remain friends. Chemistry labs are long and arduous but you learn very little. Cars were invented so I could vent my maleness on the world, as were stick-shifts. Life is without meaning, so e-mail me more often because it's no skin off your ass. Cheaters never win, those who have alternate rules to play by are the victors. As much as I am attracted to redheads, I will never have the opportunity to date one. People smell better before sex. Life without appreciation for firearms is lacking something I could not hope to describe. Nobody knows what happened to D.B. Cooper. I think he's hiding in my desk drawer. It bothers me that I never saw any Twin Peaks episodes, I'm missing out on many inside jokes. Who said libertarian capitalists don't exist? People who take role playing games too seriously should get a new hobby, like becoming part time postal workers. Cocoa should be less than 9000 K before you attempt to drink it. Women don't really have rape fantasies. It seems like for some reason, gay men are the most handsome creatures on earth. Yet, women STILL fawn over them. Don't try to double the New Hampshire speed limit. I find it tough to be rude on purpose, yet people tell me I am when I don't mean it. Italian men can grow tomatoes and LOTS of hair on command. Shy girls are very attractive and I can't figure out why. I'm glad they don't have DOOM for Linux, yet. Something is seriously wrong with the way I look at myself. It is possible to drink hot sauce directly out of the bottle. Try not to snore. Don't buy anything you can steal for free. Women love "When Harry Met Sally" and "Benny and Joon" because the male characters are so selfless. Some real men actually are. If you want people to recognize you, don't wear what everybody wears. European cars are equal to American cars except for size, fuel economy, and quality. European trucks are so useless that should be used as paperweights or artillery practice. The only rule-breaker is any truck designed by Rover Ltd. It's not true that girls look better when you are drunk. Throwing up hurts your mouth. Picard should be appointed to the Supreme Court. I would sleep less but I like it too much while I'm doing it. Ethyl alcohol is a flammable liquid, so why do we drink it? Women's legs feel so good when they are shaved that I think everybody should shave their legs. Necks make good hand-warmers. Get a tattoo in an intimate location. Buy junk bonds and give them to your friends for Christmas. Phone up old girlfriends in the middle of the night and tell them you are having sex. Take packs of matches from restaurants. Go to an auto dealer and test drive at least five cars before you leave, even if you have no intention of buying a car. Get salespeople to give you food and water. When the priest is pausing in a sermon, drum your fingers on the pew. Smile to police officers like you know their names and where they live. Black makes a terrible headlight color. WPI police respond faster if you say that you're the dean. Don't let classes take a field trip to your room. A night of drinking, smoking cigars, playing cards, making obscene jokes about women, and other male type bonding rituals is actually FUN. Life has it's own smell. Never tell an officer that, no, you don't have drugs in the car, but you know where you could hook him up. Ex girlfriends are able to contact you, but you are never able to contact them. Gopher is getting more difficult to understand. Some guys actually look good in skirts. If you kill the boyfriend, you get the girl. Dead kid jokes get funnier the more times you read them. Some people can leave their belongings for hours and never lose them. The national debt is much scarier when you can watch it grow before your eyes. People actually let me sit here for hours typing drivel into my .plan. Joe's Own Editor is a *really* good editor. I don't like having an anus. Don't ever own an 8086 machine if you can help it. Core dumps hit me for no apparent reason. When you store something in var/tmp remember to go and get it out at some point. An afternoon of laughs can be achieved by watching "Tron: the movie" with a bunch of CS geeks. Bring your own printer to the Advanced Document Preparation lab, they hate it. Beware women who have the "Little Crotch of Horrors." When somebody calls you a snow bunny, you look really cute and cuddly. Klaxon sirens can wake the dead. Get a roommate whose mother gives him or her food an any occasion. If her genitals begins chomping and says, "Feed me," run away. I'm still looking for a pair of Perfect Breasts (tm). Never buy a printer that requires you shout at it to function properly. There's nothing like sick and twisted cartoons, except... more sick and twisted cartoons. It's OK to kill Baby Elmo, that's what he's there for. I want a dildo with the name "Kermit the Frog" inscribed on the side. Some people do not recognize the benefits of seeing your ex-girlfriend after ten months of avoiding her, because it can actually be fun. When somebody beautiful is sleeping on my arm, it's like nothing I can describe but wonderful. A good way to fail everything is to get "Civilization for Windows" a week before finals. Even cute and smart people can have terrible first impressions. It takes twice as long to get the computer you want as it does to break it. Sonic the Hedgehog is businessman of the year and I think I'm going to play more Sega because of it. Do not trust the advice of crazy sluts, because they have warped views of reality. Getting woken up in the morning by having your nipples licked *is* the best way to wake up. Where do butterflies go in the rain? Try to eat more than one meal a day. Sometimes songs can express your mood better than your own words can. If human beings were equipped with a love switch that we could turn off, things would be easier. I know for a fact that I am surreal in bed. I think I've seen too many movies, because I got *all* of the inside jokes in "Wayne's World 2". Women don't understand why men need to follow them around with large signs that say, "I love you, you stupid bitch." I've noticed that there's never any salt in the cafeteria shakers; it smacks of conspiracy. Some people are a little too obvious when they want to have sex with somebody else. Snoring is a good way to get beaten up and not know the reason why. It's very funny that the PC computers here are perfect for playing "DOOM". I stay up too late and eat too little. As this file gets longer, I tend to forget what I have previously written. When you have a song in your head and you sing it out loud, it sounds really cool to you but really stupid to everyone else. You should write a column for my newsletter because I have a finite amount of ideas. The purpose of pretzels was to make a mess out of conversation. A neat way to live longer is to avoid things that will kill you, like not running into parked cars (Actually *running*, like, on foot). I need a longer .plan. It is possible to sleep for over nineteen hours if properly motivated. It's a good policy to know when somebody has stopped kidding around. When you die, it's nice to be remembered. Why is it that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't work out? Being funny is work. People will actually pay real money to have me shut up. Try to log in at least once a day, because sometimes there's important things you might miss. All of my roommates ex-girlfriends were attracted to me at one time but not any longer. Whenever I get a craving for a particular song, I can never find the CD so I can listen to the damn thing. When you look up at night, and the stars are glowing with their timeless beauty, just remember that somewhere out there, I am alone, without you. Some games are worth cannibalizing your computer for. You may never ever go out with the person you want, but you can be assured that fifteen people you DON'T want to go out with want you badly. You don't know how much of a good time you had until you leave. Bonding with friends is more important than sleep. Drugs can make anything really boring. I have shooting pains in my knees and I think that I'm going to stop bludgeoning them. There's no reason to stop watching the same movie sixty times in a row, as long as you like it. People are offended by my alarm clock. I like making erratically strange and strangely erratic entrances. There should be a market for Toilet Tunes. What I need is a short, horny girl, who will lick my face. It's impossible to stop smoking if you keep buying cigarettes for yourself. Nobody is allowed to have more fun than me. In the morning, feeling skin touch yours makes the whole day much brighter. Burn candles in your room instead of using the electric lights. Do laundry more than once a year. Talk to your parents only when you can control the conversation. Understand the power of portable computing. Get a job you can tolerate because poverty is a scary way to live. Listening to others have sex is a quick and easy way to become depressed. There's nothing like a good backrub. Masturbation does absolutely nothing to curb sex drive. Anybody who makes more money than me is doing something right. There should be a channel where Star Trek is played 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Kill anybody who tries to take away your Internet account. The last person I was intimate with knows almost nothing about me. Only really good friends can insult each other face to face. People should have a place where they can go and be alone and feel disgusted. It's not fashionable to be happy, but it's fashionable to be well-adjusted by virtue of Prozac. You know you're good friends with somebody when they get naked around you, you don't notice, you don't say anything, and you don't start anything with them. Fetish clothing is fashion clothing on the proper person. Wear long underwear in winter, preferably long-johns with a butt flap. Don't make $5 bets concerning your sexual habits. Don't sleep with somebody, regret it, and then sleep with them again. Always use birth control, even when not engaged in sex. Condom whales are cool looking. Some people make you dinner then bitch about it all week long. When somebody moves in after you move out, expect the room to change unexpectedly. Life moves too quick to worry about SAT scores. George Lucas made just as many good movies as bad movies. Tell the truth to people who mean anything to you, even when the events happened far in the past. Drink alcohol to numb the pain of living and gunshot wounds. Stretch at least once a day. Write down all phone numbers you encounter. The women who make the most noise about sex usually get lots of it, but men who make lots of noise about sex never get any. Sometimes romance just doesn't make any sense. You are bound to lose your account when you need it most. By the time you know somebody well enough to sleep with them, your friendship is too strong to throw away and you don't get laid. Somehow, saying, "God, you're tight" can actually mean something other than vaginal references. As this file gets longer, I become more and more graphic. I had to invent a profession to keep my parents at bay. Don't shoot small animals when you need to release some aggression. The human body has enough nerves to keep me occupied. Set your roommates alarm clock several hours ahead of schedule. Put all your toilet paper in the freezer to ensure freshness. Learn to hate all cockroaches, even the two-legged kind. Things seem so much simpler when you are drunk. You must really be bored. Before you start wearing the sweatpants to work, try finding out where the laundry machines are. So many times we buy food never intending to eat it; the poor package lies in the refrigerator and is never opened. Babies don't cry when I'm not around. Don't drive when you're upset over the past. They don't make a stereo loud enough for my anger. I get hungry at the most inopportune moments. I know there is nothing I can do to stop myself from making mistakes but some people just don't understand why I go through with it anyway. If you're picking at my spelling errors you're far too anal to find any of this funny. The cool thing about this file is that anywhere I end it, it looks like I wanted to end it there. It's difficult to write a good movie plot these days. People are nicer to you when you stop shouting racial slurs at them. I have self-confidence only when I don't need it. I used to believe that women were never aggressive enough for my tastes. People are really boring when they are asleep. Under the proper circumstances, "ride me Sheldon," can actually be a compliment. Men never understand the situation they are in, no matter how blatantly the evidence is. Love is so strange that it should only happen to those who expect and need it. Some weeks are better than others. Relationships that start out fast burn out fast. There are some people who insist on inflating my non-existent ego. "Blood Makes Noise..." -Suzanne Vega. The most important thing in any relationship is trust. Love, amazingly enough, is secondary to trust. No relationship can last on love. Without trust and love in that order, things will end in tears. Loud music is the answer to the voices in my head. It's a good idea to get that hair out your throat when you are going down on somebody. Cats are not allowed to step on my crotch anymore. I seem to fall in love too easily. Even though I may love them dearly, people with high morals can be a pain in the ass sometimes. There is no way in hell I would give up my computer. Watching the Olympics makes me want to join the mogul team. Women with iguanas are really cool. The more people try to look cyberpunk, the more they look st00pid. Why do record companies allow Barry Manilow to produce albums? Gum loses its taste when there is hair in it. You can have great conversations about anything with people who speak bluntly. Coffee tastes great when its full of chemicals. In time, the dammed will rule the earth. Try to have sex with somebody who has lots of tattoos at least one in your life. It is possible to have great sex even though no orgasm occurs at all. Can you tell what topics I'm interested in by now? Hot salsa is good for your complexion. There are times when I just don't feel like answering the phone, and the nights I feel like that, 50 people call. Some day, far in the future, people will laugh at the DECalpha and the Intel Pentium. I get very hungry after I eat.George Carlin knows all. For a short while there, I thought that women were actually attracted to me. Why is it that when my father figures out something, he immediately thinks that HE was the one who discovered it in the first place. I'm really afraid that this horrible trait will pass on to me and my children. Become a member of Wicca. It is really difficult to talk on the phone and program at the same time. Everybody should read WiReD at least once in their life. Computers take up much too much of my time. When I find a pretty female intellectual, I'm going to marry her. How can the people I get involved with be so completely mismatched with me? Visit your parents so they will give you money. Don't get involved with money hungry people unless you have weaponry to protect yourself. Get backrubs from attractive women, even if you are one. Don't bore people with your traumatic experiences because we've all had them and we're all getting numb about them. Snort a Pixie Stick, just for the experience. Watch Animaniacs. Drive as fast as you can because you get pulled over no matter what you do anyway. Take pictures in black and white. Learn a new language or at least make one up. Vote. Read as much as you can about cattle farming. Waste tuition money on classes you already know to get the credits you need. Scare airport security by taking walkie talkies in your carry on luggage because the x-ray machine thinks they're bombs. Don't let your ego get in the way of your humility. Always wear more than one pair of socks, not necessarily on your feet. Leave large tips because waitresses work way too hard for way too little. Pick up hitchhikers. There's nothing wrong with singing commercial jingles as long as you don't do it during sex. Don't tempt death when using a Nordic Trac. Try to lose weight by eating only grapefruit and cornbread. Learn to enunciate. There's no talent in being a porn star, just stamina. Be the best at SOMETHING, no matter how menial it may seem. Brew at home, even if you don't like the taste of beer. Listen to the voices in your head. When preparing a large project, be sure not to include any jerks. Spelling is appreciated but only required in college and 3rd grade. I have some friends that are afraid of technology and I can't understand why. Cyberspace exists. I'm proud of my Muppet Movie watch, and now that I set the time correctly, I'm wearing it a lot more. It's difficult to write when you're bored. If you're up late and you're horny, get off the couch because you don't meet new people by sitting at home. I know I have bad luck with the motor vehicle laws, but it would be nice if I was informed that my license has been suspended. In a fit of foolishness I called my ex-girlfriend and became depressed again; let this be a lesson to you all. I let very few people read anything I write. If you're poor, spend every cent you have on compact discs so you have something to listen to while you're looking for a job. If you're an American in a foreign country, speaking any language other than English gives you the upper hand. Bumps to the head take a very long time to stop hurting. I have difficulty sleeping unless I orgasm before going to bed. Bubble wrap makes a very warm blanket. I have had to carry a day pass to leave the smallest state on the North American continent. The more people I see involved in law enforcement, the more I realize that cops are the biggest jerks in the world. I think that in order to overthrow the government, it would be necessary to first get a car. The corporations run everything in the world and it's time people realized this. There are some people I will never sleep with because we would argue over the free will of mankind and that would ruin the night. Electrons are without size so why can't batteries last longer? Never ever shut yourself off from some new idea just because it scares you. Live with fear just for the experience. Make it difficult for the government to follow you. Kill people if they ruin your life or try to sneak 11 items in the 10 item or less lane. Nausea is now a major part of my life. I think Christ would be happy to know that I am now chemically enhanced to be happy, normal, and well-adjusted. I have no excuses for my previous behavior or clothing style. I flick ashes off my cigarettes every half second. There is no such thing as a good time with grandparents. Don't attempt oral sex on a first date unless she's really looking forward to it. Half of the girls I was ever interested in ran off to Europe after our affairs ended and I'm starting to wonder why. This country would be much better off if nobody was in charge and everybody was happy, but hey, call me crazy. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think that babies are brought by the stork and Spiro Agnew (grow a penis) would have been perfect. If my hard drive causes Windows to crash one more time I might have to start calling it names. I wonder how big this file can get before it overwhelms my storage capacity? Some people think I'm cool because I've slept in bubble wrap. If somebody gives you clothes you don't like, give them to your roommate. People do not appreciate wimpy excuses for not calling. Writing does not come from the heart, it comes from the mind and anybody trying to tell you otherwise is a silly idealist who knows nothing about writing. Purposeful bitterness is preferred over useless happiness. My life is a reoccurring nightmare of shame, sexual desire, and unfulfilled promises. Try to date somebody who can get naked in front of other people. If you need a ride home late at night, make sure your friends are cool about it or else there's going to be animosity. Learn the value of weaponry. When you are going to be picked up, try to be on time. Star Trek:TNG used to be REALLY bad. Portable computers can make great lap warmers. When a 21 year old can make over $4000 legally in one night, something is wrong with the universe. Don't become too attached to your own bed because it makes sleeping over somebody else's house a real pain in the ass. Even though I find babies adorable, I still choke back the urge to throw up when I see them eat. I actually found a girl who is very attractive and wears thong bikini briefs to bed. I have been paid $25 dollars an hour for doing very very little. I have come to conclusion that while money is necessary for modern life, I still despise it's existence. When I started this file I thought I would have run out of ideas by now. There's more to life than just lots of sex and sleeping, right? Every time I dump out my pockets I keep finding more and more bizarre stuff, like Everlasting Gobstoppers and currency from countries I've never been to. Gay men have told me some of the best stories I know. When is she going to walk in through that door and why doesn't she call first so I can clean my apartment? If somebody asks me, "What have you read recently," I usually can't remember, but it somebody mentions a title at random, I probably read it. There is a certain romance in fighting to stay awake. I can never amaze my cats and my cats never cease to amaze me. Don't put food next to the couch because it can stay there far longer than you will live. When you get shaving cream in your eye it's not an excuse to shave your eye. If cops are going to give you a hard time they should at least make the conversation interesting. I can make myself very bitter by thinking of the good times in my life. Some people keep looking better and better every time I see them. I might never open myself up the way I used to and that scares me very much. When you're depressed, don't stay up past 3:am because it doesn't help at all. I'm really getting to the point where I think that I'm writing the same stuff over and over again. The Purity Tests are getting too long to complete so I think that if they came up with a 750 question test, it would be just right. Don't make me hurt you. There is no way to describe the deep seated hatred required to chew through somebody's neck and feel their warm blood flow over your cheeks and down your chest. My headaches are getting worse. I think that I would be much happier if I had enough money to move out of this ridiculous country. Police officers would be useless if crime really did not pay. I don't know if I would be happy if I downloaded my brain into a computer and lived in my own perfect world, or if I would be incredibly bored. Why is it that although many of my female friends find me attractive, none of them would ever go out with me? I think I'm caught in a depressed streak here. People get bored if you only have one emotion so at least act like you're having fun. When you get hungry, it is a good time to stop a nine hour computer game and get something to eat. I get bored by strategy games most of the time. If I knew any spells that actually worked, my life would be much happier, even if the only one I knew made my bed for me. If you sell your soul to the devil, make sure you get a receipt. I'm getting nauseated more and more often these days. There may come a day when I will actually be happy, but you'll probably be dead or have forgotten me by then. I'm in love with a short person; I'm hopeless. When an annoying and consistent pain is removed, the relief is amazing. There is a great irony in that the medicine that I take to feel better has a detrimental effect on my already dubious sexual prowess. Don't ever become too attached to a slice of pizza. The Weather Channel has some of the worst Muzak in this quadrant of the universe. Don't let dogs chew on important serial cables. Make love, not quiche. Even though I thought it was impossible, I actually had a real and intelligently introspective conversation with my younger brother. Why is it that when a nine month pain has ceased, a greater pain must then begin? If there were no ugly people, how would people tripping on mescaline enjoy themselves? I don't understand how some people can turn emotions off. Megazone23 was a much better movie than people give credit. I think somebody is following the person behind me. Dried blood is not something you want to find in your ear. Don't allow anybody to eat all your food and then deny you the right to sleep in your car. You must be wondering what I'm getting at. For those of you who are arriving late to our program, yes this file has gotten substantially longer. Snooty people find the average person snooty. Bullwinkle had class. Make sure that the house you live in has a shower curtain, even if the shower doesn't work. My mother's friends brought white trash into their neighborhood. I really don't care if you tell me bad jokes, as long as I can remember them. Don't fight sleep just to fight sleep, fight sleep for money or other consideration. When you make love in a waterbed, try surfing if the waves get high enough. When I die I want to be buried with my dog, whether the dog is dead or not. When you get your diploma, try to kiss the dean. Don't allow animals to leave puncture wounds when they show affection. If you learn to appreciate the feeling of free fall, airplane crashes won't alarm you as much. When you are lost, don't ask for directions from people with visible festering wounds. The only times really interesting things happen to me are when I am on a college campus. For all intents and purposes, I am a lesbian woman trapped in a man's body, but unfortunately I know somebody will say that's unoriginal. On those rare occasions when I am smothered in female attention, I could never ever be happier. Don't trust the guys who say that they're not the type who go to parties and pick girls up. I never seem to get the nerve to actually talk to those stunning beauties when the opportunity arises. Even though some people may give you the impression that you're disturbing them, if you look hard enough, you will find somebody who wants you there. I know that my friends are the best friends in the world. I find it really hard to go to plays and not help out. There are certain people that I respect deeply, and when I'm around those people, I tend to clam up. I get the feeling that when I leave someplace, things don't always change for the better. I believe strongly in telling people the truth concerning feminine hygiene. Stop me if I'm getting boring. There's never enough time to spend with those who love you. It's really cool when you can watch movies outside with really cool people. Don't believe the hype about PCMCIA cards. After carrying heavy things, a backrub is better than oral sex, and it takes a lot to make me say that. You can tell, just by reading this file, when I've had a good day or a bad day. I may never ever know when I am graduating, but when your parents encourage you to be in college, you know that something is going to work out. I can't believe that I used to hate my school. Fairy tales used to be a lot gorier than they are in this lovely Disneyfied age we live in. I seem to be attracting more and more gay men. Guys who go by only one letter have a large amount of history behind them. I'm amazed at how many people I know on crutches nowadays. Car accidents can leave the most interesting scars. I think that I could live off of iced tea, peanut butter and fluff sandwiches, and cigarettes for the rest of my life. I wonder why we have, as a culture, a romantic fantasy about punishing the body, like working out or wrestling 'gators and the like. If there really were women trapped in some men's bodies, there'd be really hairy women out there. Even though there are millions of people in this country, you still get the feeling that if you don't go home with that person at a party, you're never going to get laid again. I love it when I find somebody with the same taste in music I have. You must be thinking that my hobbies are pretty sophomoric, but I bet they're your hobbies too. Don't leave books in the bathroom because I could be in there for hours. It's been so long since anything interesting has happened to me that I think I'm going to take up more of your time than you thought I would. In many cases, short stories are superior to full sized books, mainly in the way that the reader usually identifies with the main character far stronger than would happen in a novel. You may use that for a topic sentence if you like. I always feel really guilty when I leave a place without saying good-bye to everybody I know, but then again, I know a guy whose car actually runs on guilt. It's amazing what you can do when you have as much free time as I do. If you're going to masturbate at a friend's house, don't get caught because it's tough to explain; don't ask me for details. It's amazing that something as base as glossy pornography still achieves its goal and excites you. If a woman makes a list of things she finds attractive in a man, don't trust it because even though you may fit every part of the list you still won't get laid unless she wanted to in the first place. It's true that people make judgments about people in the first thirty seconds of meeting them. Depressing stories are great to read aloud. I wonder how long it takes roses to bloom once they start. Why are my lips perpetually chapped? Is there anything out there that can cure a five hundred pound man from an advanced yeast infection? It's amazing who's losing weight these days. In a toss up between a new monitor or new RAM, I think I'd take what's behind door number three and get stuck with a goat *BAAAAA*. Remember kids, don't light your sister's hair on fire unless she's having a birthday party. If you're going to brew beer at home, follow all the instructions and don't get drunk before you start with the process. It seems that the uglier a person is, the better they play guitar. I have lived with a man who has said with great pride, "You've gotta cook chicken these days." Go see a movie where you know absolutely nothing about because everything is a surprise then. Rave music is, unfortunately, starting to sound the same and I wish that more people with talent did this style. I'm very afraid that this silly operating system is going to be removed from my system in the near future because I was just getting good at it. For some reason, I think that I am completely smitten with only one person and that will never change. When your dentist gives you instructions, it's best to follow them before attempting oral sex. Chocolate can taste better if it's been lying around for a couple of months. If you met her at a party, she's probably not your type. If you met her in the library, run, because she probably is your type. Poetry can be written by anybody and the worse you are, the better it sounds when you're drunk. If possible, try to get locked into the ice cream-sex cycle, where eating ice cream sustains nutrition and sex provides exercise. If you sleep with your friends you can really screw your life up. Why is it that the people I hold near and dear to my heart go through a slut stage at some point in their lives? If the world was perfect, I would get my one wish and that would be all. Sometimes I prefer the C64 over the 486-33 just because the Commodore has a modem and the 486 doesn't; sad isn't it? There's no way that people will ever understand why I like bad porno movies as much as I do. I don't know why my father is convinced I am a writer, and yet my writer friends think of me as a tech geek. Don't spill wax on your sexual partner unless they specifically ask for it. Eating strange food can make you full of the most odorific gas you ever had. Thin crust pizza is better than thick crust pizza as far as taste. Thick crust pizza has sheer volume going for it. If you spend your time kissing frogs when you're looking for a prince, visit my apartment because while I'm not a prince, I'm marginally more attractive than a frog and I kiss better too. By the time I graduate, the circle will be squared by pre-schoolers and my parents will deny me three times before the cock crows. Remember that when the sun shines on the beautiful land, there are places on your body where it don't. Cats are like kids, you can dress them up but you can't take them out. I am usually available for comment. Did you know that I have eaten shrunken head stuffed with spinach? I was so happy when I danced with this girl who was not wearing standard issue underwear. If possible, spend the day at home, naked. Fun things happen when you don't know where you're going to be sleeping tonight. Mezcal makes your breath *terrible* smelling. If you fall asleep next to somebody, there's a definite feeling of loss when you wake up and they're gone. Punk music will last as long as there is anger in our youth. Cops wouldn't be such jerks if everybody knew their rights. If you have a phone conversation last more than two hours, consider driving over to visit that person instead of feeding the bloated telcos. It's too bad that although numerous political figures have been assassinated, John from Alperts furniture is still allowed to live. People get really defensive when I don't like their clothes. A neat way to liven up your day is to make a list of people you think are going to show up to your funeral. Nobody is going to be very happy with me when I return to school. I don't know why my friends keep listening to me because I keep letting them down. "You don't know the power of the dark side!" There's no way that I can get the smell of cats out of my clothes now. If you enter a water fight armed with only a toothbrush, you end up getting soaked. I think I'm getting better at waking up before 1:pm. There's no way to stop loving some people in this world, even if they throw you in the shower when you're fully clothed. For the first time, a girl I was involved with didn't run off to Europe; she ran off to California. Make an effort to learn new card games. There is a time and a place for a well intended snarf. Since I switched to lighter cigarettes, I've been smoking more. One would think that breasts were heavier than they actually are. Try to get random people you meet on the highway to give you cigarettes. If William Burroughs did as much junk as he says he did then he's in need of some Prozac because the more drugs you take, the more you need to be well-adjusted. I am so utterly pleased that my summer courses allow me to have most of the day off. Getting elm to use my signature file is getting to be a real pain in the arse. I wonder if it rains every day here. In order to reduce the confusion in my life, I am forced to smoke high-tar cigarettes. I wonder where that girl is, the one with the big hooters and nice legs that's someday going to turn me into a man. Country music was made for drinking. It's taken me a year and a half, but I think I'm finally getting the hand of EMACS. Programming in C is a lot different than eating Fluff. I met a really cute girl recently but unless things were different, we could never be serious. I'm scared to death that my brother is actually going to graduate high school and then go on to college. Why couldn't I be on time, just once? I wonder why GNU stuff is better than OLDE stuff. I like it when my feet sweat. There's nothing wrong with the way I feel, OK? I wish I had the inclination to actually write when people send me real mail. I wonder how long it's going to take me to finally leave the city. Goth chicks are very good in bed. When you're taking a shower with several people, pre-arrange some order in who gets to use the shampoo first. Once again, somebody who I was interested in has skipped off to Europe. I really shouldn't be here writhing this right now. Does anybody know the correct way to leave a pyramid? Why doesn't the C compiler work with my programs? Make love not juice. Head colds make me about as personable as a pit bull. I wonder where this tan is coming from because I never spend any time out in the sun. My weekends are more hectic than my weekdays. I don't get to sleep in the bed I like for too much longer. I wonder why latex has become such an important food item. Don't look under your bed unless you want to find your glasses. I can't get over how difficult it is to meet somebody in this day and age of electronic communications. This .plan, in accordance to the psychological state of the author, is now about to test the emergency depression system. This is only a test. For the next twenty lines or so I shall be completely miserable. Why are you reading this .plan, I know you don't care. My life sucks more than a jet engine. If I cried any more my head would dry up like a grape with a sunburn. I think I'm going to drink until I die. Soon I'll be dead and you're going to party. The only thing that I cared about dropped off and ran into a corner screaming. God wakes up every morning and pisses on me while I sleep. I'm never going to find that short and horny girl who will lick my face. The wonders of the world mean nothing to me anymore because my heart is as black as the shit my life has become. There's no challenge to being alive anymore and I'm doing it out of habit more than anything else. As little as I like it, I'm going to fail at everything I do. Nobody is going to respond to my personal ad, or even worse, some hairy man named Bubba is going to send me 100 letters a day. Thank you. This has been a test of the emergency depression system. In the event of real depression, the person under scrutiny would have to be fed Prozac until he returned to his happy, normal, and well-adjusted state he lives in. I never realized that my walkman was actually fixed all this time. Wow, I need to reconsider my views on the universe. I used to have so damn many female friends and I wonder where they have all run off to. If I eat massive amounts of food at night, the next day I'm going to be hungry as all hell. For the first time in weeks, I was ready for class and guess what, we did nothing interesting. I wonder why, when I gweep, I always look around hoping I recognize somebody here. I think that even though I own many tapes and CDs, I have been listening to the same four or five for the past couple of years. I think it's really cool that UNIX is less of a mystery to me. I wonder if this file sounds like me talking. You should get a little scared if you read _Naked Lunch_ and understand it more than a little. I'm a little sick of people telling me what I can and can't do, where I can and can't walk, and can and can't get naked. I wonder how long I can sit here and write more stuff in this file. I wonder when I'm going to get my clothes back. I wonder why the same songs still sound just as good as they did when I first heard them. I wonder if I'm actually going to like bowling. I wonder if anybody is going to find out that I'm in pain. I wonder where that special someone is. I wonder why it seems that God only listens to me when I talk out of my ass. I wonder when I'm going to do laundry. I wonder when I'm going to get good sex again. I wonder why my friends seem to hate me now, or is it because I secretly hate my friends? I wonder how long you can stand me. I wonder why I do half of the things I do. I wonder why I couldn't have been bigger or stronger or more capable, or more ruthless or more sensitive or more driven or more competent, or more "cool". I wonder why the world seems so dirty now, even though it was dirty before. I wonder where my money goes to. I wonder when my father is going to die. I wonder when I am going to die. I wonder why I haven't seen more than one episode of "Northern Exposure" but by some twist of fate, I managed to see almost all the episodes of "The Golden Girls." I wonder why the people I don't want to see keep bothering me. I wonder when church people are going to get it through their thick fucking skulls that there is no reason we are here, there is no reason for life, there is no higher morality, and I'm going to take their parking space because I can. I wonder when I'm going to get lung cancer. I wonder how much I can drink before I finally forget how much I loved her. I wonder why I cry when I hear "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. I wonder what he looks like. I wonder if you're reading this. I wonder if I know who you are. I wonder why so many people are going to forget that it rained yesterday. I wonder if there is a chance that when I die, people could just say good-bye and remember that I stood on the top of Mt. Washington and hit my camp counselor in the head with a water bottle. I wonder why I find out the wrong things at the wrong time. I wonder who really cares. You wouldn't believe the amount of trouble I've gotten myself into recently. I think that I should spend more time here. I wonder what I'm going to do come September. Is there really a reason why I can't get things done on time? I missed the last week of physics and I think that's going to affect my grade. In the several years I've been here I've only gotten laid once and I think that something should be done about that. If you really want to know more about me, why don't you actually talk to me? I wonder why I don't get mail from people I really want to hear from. I keep deleting files from my account and I keep adding to this one. To sleep for a week would mean much more to me later in life. If I ever get too obscure, it's because you don't hang around with me all that much. There's a definite satisfaction in getting things right after being wrong so many, many times. Why do the X-stations here have such small letters? My favorite pair of pants exposes my buttocks. I think that Freud was very wrong when he said that we like the smell of our own excrement. I wonder why things couldn't be better. When I finally find out why I'm alone, I'm going to change my toothbrush. I hate the things that make my life better, like toilet paper. I wonder if my roommate wakes up when I'm having a private moment. I think that the most important thing to avoid on a first date is to get caught masturbating by the person you're taking out. I haven't seen any new movies recently and that's a bad thing. Is there any reason why there are so many keyboard keys that do the exact same job on a DECstation? If I spend all my time on computers, why can't I program any better? I think that school eats my laptops. I never ever can get what I want in the shower. I'm glad that somebody has the presence of mind to make Budweiser beef sticks. I'm down to tuna fish and Potato Buds for the next week. Sad, huh? I think I need a job. As the summer draws to a close I have to wonder where my time has all gone. You know, I called somebody recently with fantastic news and they wouldn't pick up the phone. So it was 2:30 am. Who cares? It's pretty poor when gets dumped but alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk stays. I wonder where all my clean underwear has run off to. If it were possible, I'd fly a plane loaded with annoying people into a mountain. One of my best friends wants to surf a bus off a cliff. Indiana Jones had terrible luck with women until he bought the hat. There's nothing in my pocket; sad, isn't it. I sometimes make sense. I sometimes make cents. I sometimes make muffins from odds and ends. I wonder what odds and ends actually are. I wonder why the word 'are' has three letters and 'r', with exactly the same sound, only one. One is the loneliest number. My phone number has changed five times in the past year. I'm going to be 21 by the end of this year and I will be able to buy guns and drink alcohol. Beer makes bad breath and many bathroom trips. Why do women go to the bathroom in hordes. Hordes of insects have entered my apartment recently. My apartment recently has many more residents than when I first moved in. When I first moved in I thought that I could actually get up for class. Class is a great place to have a good laugh. Laugh if you wish, but you think that this thread has been pretty stupid. Admit it. It's absolutely unbelievable how well I can handle people having sex less than three feet away from me. If I ever get the chance, I'm going to find a way to kill myself in front of my parents so they can finally see what I'm really like on the inside, like my organs and stuff. I wonder why the soft cries of a woman making love are so very touching to me. There is no business like male stripping. Robotic fish have a certain place in our society. I think that I make crude jokes in front of women just to drive them away. I have no tolerance for ovulating people. There is no such thing as martyrdom from menstruation. I think that if you spend more than ten minutes preparing to tie somebody up, you're a little obsessed with rope. Either that or you're pretty damn sure that they're going to go for it. There's nothing that I can really say that will make my life much better but there is one thing that I can do: buy a chainsaw (like the one in DOOM). Ambient techno is very very cool to have sex to. After living without any source of income for the past year, I've gotten pretty used to the way you should and should not mooch off people. I wonder when people will understand the wonderful uses of Derive: A Mathematical Assistant. The one person that I have had intercourse with in the past year has since run away and has not returned a single call. I think that in order to meet and interest women I need to be a different person. I've been in a brooding mood recently and I was wondering if you could tell. Why is it that there are more women on this campus than ever before in its entire history and *yet* I still can't find anybody here who wants me. The people who go to WPI have to import dates from other states such as Connecticut. When I finally graduate I'm going to be either destitute or dead. In fact, I should already be dead. Parents are imbued with the ability to make anybody feel guilty about anything that they do for their children. Sex is much better when you're not constantly fantasizing or preparing for it. I'm very afraid that I'm going to be locked into a mediocre life with a mediocre wife and mediocre kids, driving a mediocre car and owning a mediocre computer. Damn it, the computer better kick ass! I think that since I'm going to be programming in assembler I'm going to be a much better programmer than I was before, but I could be wrong. This is a very boring section of the file and if you have skipped to this part I won't blame you. Just because you're covered in freckles doesn't mean that you don't have beautiful skin. There can be occasions where you both have to sleep in the wet spot. Rug burns are cool if they're properly earned. Right now, as I type this, everybody in my apartment is having sex and I'm typing random crap into my .plan. This only proves that I really have no life. Take pity on me, send me an e-mail. Aggression is a great emotion for writing your own songs. Why is it that the people with the worst computer equipment insist that it's still the best? All director's chairs suck the slime off French cheese. I think that in the future, people like me will finally be able to lead happy and productive lives, but in the meantime we'll be forced to be the postal workers on the information superhighway. If there were one place in the world where everybody was happy and things were always good I just might have to take it apart with a shotgun. I want to go and play music very loudly but somebody's having sex in my bed. If people followed proper Net-iquitte the vice-president wouldn't give a damn about the next generation of computing. Love is not like a cancer, it is like a beverage, wet in the mouth and it makes you pee afterwards. There's a light at the tunnel and it's just the roadrunner with a lantern so don't bother to slow down. Disney World can be freaky to an impressionable eight year old. The one thing that really bothers me about the way non-smokers treat smokers is that freakin' look they give us when we light up. If genitalia gave off steam after sex, I think I would spend more time trying to get laid. I'm glad I have an ulcer because it gives me something to bitch about. I want to foam at the mouth at will because it could really freak out the people at financial aid. I used to be god but I transferred the power to my friend's younger brother. There is a special feeling of companionship that only happens when you wave hello to somebody at an orgy. I have finally received decent oral sex and wouldn't you know it, I had masturbated earlier that day and was unable to achieve orgasm. There's something really cool about actually watching two lesbians make love to each other. I can tell that you're a little jealous. I'm getting a random erection right now and I thought you should know that. My favorite song right now is the VARA theme song. Life is so good when you're naked with another person. I recently saw my ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend and I didn't kill him, so I'm going to treat myself to a pudding for my self-restraint. I think that I'm going to slice his throat and drink his blood the next time I see him, but I might just leave that fantasy for a pleasant afternoon when I'm really bored and have nothing better to think about. I'm rather happy at the size of my penis, mostly because it can fit comfortably inside my lover's mouth. I thought you should know that too. I must be preoccupied with sex or something. When you can smell everybody else in the room, you know that somebody is bound to say something about it. I wonder when somebody is going to make a DOOM level that I cannot complete without the use of cheat codes. Later today I plan on buying the soundtrack for "Natural Born Killers" and I'll be writing a review of it further on in this file. I think that all women should be happy with the way they look, especially the beautiful ones. I'm really glad about the dream I had last night. In this dream, I gave a good friend of mine a serious nosebleed and performed oral sex on a female friend who I had never even kissed before. It's a wonder that you're still reading this thing. I hope to be married by the time I die. Read "Sam and Max" comics because they're about as funny as you can get. NBK has everything I need in a real American love story. It made me laugh in so may ways. I'm going to model my life after Mickey. I seem to be attracting women who are much taller than I am and it pleases me greatly. One great thing about this school is that once you realize that you're not going to find somebody here who likes you, concentrating on finding people out of state becomes a breeze. I think that my sentences are a little choppy and it would be a good idea for me to lengthen them some. If the world was flat, I'd really like to get an apartment overlooking the edge because hang gliding would be r33ly c00l. As time passes, things grow older. If you wait about ten years before looking under your bed, there will be a monster there; it's your underwear. By the time you have gotten to this point, I have eaten something (well, most likely). In the beginning, man was naked... cool. If you have sex involving a lot of blood, don't wake up your roommate`when you go clean up. Try to date somebody infected with that phunky phlesh eating bacteria. Even when I wear cowboy boots my girlfriend towers over me and I guess I need bigger cowboy boots. I wonder why some people try to read deep spiritual meaning into this file because it's all bullshit anyway. Try to take care when your mate says that they want to be spanked because bruises can hurt for long times to come. It is possible to be over four hours late and still be happy to see somebody. For the first time in my life, there was somebody who wanted me and the timing was wrong because *I* was going out with somebody else. Quite possibly the most annoying time to receive a phone call is right in the middle of intercourse, and that had to happen to me today, didn't it? When somebody decides that it's a really good time to get naked, don't argue, especially when you are dating that person. Recently, I've been in a very melancholy mood while my lover has been completely hyper. I still have some time, I can write a little more. If you had a computer lab due and none of the computers worked, wouldn't you try to do it somewhere else, like at home, where it's nice and peaceful? Some lubricated condoms make my lover itch. For some reason, it's been almost impossible for either of us to reach orgasm recently. I think that lighting cigarettes with interesting implements can be far more fun than actually smoking them. If at all possible, go to Spags before the store takes over your life and you become an employee because then it's not going to be as much fun. I think that the world is conspiring against me and now I have proof: I found Christian propaganda under my seat in the car. Only the lonely are more bitter than I am; only the ugly make fun of me. I went to Spags and bought some rope for camping and my sexually deviant roommate gave me this odd and yet knowing smile. I don't know why I still do it, but sometimes it's impossible for me to avoid reading old love letters to those I cared for and who once cared for me. In the off chance that somebody out there will respond to my e-mail, I have one message for you, I miss you even though you took all my sweaters. Hopefully, by sometime tonight, I will have watched enough cheezy Sci-Fi movies to make a normal human being yarf or else have pretty decent sex with a person taller than I am. I think I'm running out of funny and insightful things to say to people. In the past few weeks, those people I hold most dear to me are distancing themselves more and more from me and it could be because I've neglected to take showers on a regular basis. One problem that I have with the world is that the more you sleep, the less people think of you, and yet sleep is required by everybody, so get off my ass. Ex-girlfriends sometimes just don't understand that you can be miserable for reasons other than them. Trance techno can be very boring if you're just not in the mood. While my parents can be a royal pain, they do buy me large amounts of macaroni and cheez. Only the very wise buy me pizza for no real reason. There are a few out there who I run into for no reason but yet we still can't hold a conversation for more than ten minutes. I could come up with a pretty comprehensive list of people I would sleep with for a grinder. Yet another person has seen my penis. If my friend Mel can get fucked by her ex-boyfriend for seven years, WPI can fuck me for at least four. I'm very happy about the terrible workload I now have. I'm covered in cat hair and I'm allergic to it, which really makes me unhappy. It's going to be a long time before I eat today, and that's probably a bad thing. Why is it that we can overlook such things as fleas and urine if we find somebody cute. The new kitten we have attacks my feet during sex (not sex with the cat... I'm having sex and the kitten comes along and attacks my foot when I don't want her to... yeah... OK... whatever...). There's more to potato salad than meets the eye. In the morning I find solace in Nivea skin oil. One of the first things I'm going to tell my kids is, "don't date ugly people." I've been recently WARPED and I love it, although I can't seem to find large amounts of software for it yet. Did you know that the people who are responsible for my CS grade are really beginning to piss me off in a big way. I've recently become employed by the great Satan and my parents love it. You know that you're in love with somebody when you are near them, holding them, tenderly touching them, while they are vomiting. I no longer run the risk of driving over small children. Every day, at least once, I piss off the person closest to me. I've just reinstalled my favorite OS for the third time and I think it's no longer going to be my favorite OS. Is there any way I will finally make up my mind and decide if I either like or dislike living with my lover? The other day I ran my truck into something, and when I got out, I had no clue what on earth it was. Jack Handey was wrong; there is more to murder and camping than meets the eye. The longer I go without calling somebody, the stupider I feel when I actually *do* call them, so in the end I probably don't call. The most beautiful girl I have ever seen just walked in while I was writing this. I think I have a big problem with paranoid girlfriends. At some time or another, I will get laid again, mark my words. I recently added another mouse to my collection, aren't you proud? It's amazing how people can be so interested in the grinder story. Maybe in some alternate dimension I'm as cool as Christopher Walken. The last thing I usually think at night is, "OH GOD, did I set the alarm clock?" and because of this, I usually don't get a good night's sleep and then miss work because I'm too tired to get up. I wonder why some people care about their hair as much as they do; they're still going to be ugly. That last line has nothing to do with my girlfriend, so back me up on this. I hope I never grow breasts because I wouldn't have anything to wear if I did. I wonder where the hell I'm going now. I'm noticing that the more I write, the less cool this plan is sounding, so I probably should do something about that. Is there somebody who can show me the cool people? I'm a little disturbed that Johnny Depp is considered to be one of the best actors of our generation because I've never seen any episodes of 21 Jump Street. When you get somebody pregnant, you better understand that you're male first. I don't know how somebody can charge $100 for a pair of shoes when they look like they're made of hay. Even though I know that I will someday afford it, I still dream of that one thing I must have; a very big operation. My wardrobe is becoming more and more monotonic; of course, I think I said that somewhere above and just forgot that I previously wrote it. Faulkner never surfed the Net. I refuse to be paranoid, despite all the voices. You are free to quote any of what I have said above, provided that you don't admit that you got it from me. Love is lost, Jesus saves, Moses invests, love is found. My greatest achievement is knowing a long haired bearded gweep who shares the same name with an Old Testament prophet. I wonder if I'm ever going to get a chance to actually grow up. As the summer reaches a close I have to ask, where the hell did all the good times go? After three days in close contact with an attractive member of the opposite sex I only got naked with her *once*; I failed my libido yet again. Something nice happened to me today, I bought an expensive piece of electronic equipment at a ridiculously low price. I felt crushed last night because I couldn't watch the second half of "Revenge of the Nerds." My father is the slowest white man on this planet and because of him, I was unable to get laid this week. In the middle of driving to Connecticut at an unreasonable hour I thought that Iago the parrot was driving in front of me. It takes me forever to get anywhere these days, even when I promise to be on time. Every time I go to see my lover, I am either an hour too early or an hour too late. Watching "COPS" is probably the most embarrassing exercise in futility, I completely miss the point of the actions of the officers. If I ever grow up to be a pedophilic, alcoholic, plaid pants wearing grumpy old man, I did well for myself. Beware bible people wearing mime makeup. It's rather disturbing that if I keep a bottle of baby oil in my apartment people are going to automatically assume that it is there for sexual purposes. Rather than watch some stupid talk show, cut right to the chase and throw in a porn since it's probably what you wanted to see anyway. I'm disappointed that "Waterworld" couldn't escape the stigma of costing $200 million dollars since people usually don't care how much a movie costs. Where in the world is that guy who does all of the Dunkin' Donuts commercials when I need him? Some time in the near future you're going to remember this document and bleed a little. Once all the people around you have gotten married, you can be assured that the cocktail parties are going to be much more boring. Is there a cure for stupidity somewhere out there so I can administer it to those that still use Windows 3.0? In eight weeks, Windows 95 gained a larger user base than OS/2 did in almost 10 years, but I'm holding on to mine because it's closer to UNIX. Yes it is true that I contradict myself, but then again, so does Ted Kennedy. Somewhere out there, beneath the clear blue sky, is a corpse waiting for me; ahh romance. The best way to describe my lover's dorm room is "Buffy meets the vampire." Where did I put that thing I was missing? Even though some people have gotten into the habit of wearing underwear I don't mind since it's one more thing I can play with before dropping off to sleep. I couldn't be more surprised to find out that a friend of mine has met Christ at a mutual friend's birthday party. I wonder how long it is going to be before I finally eat that carton of Chinese food in the fridge. Speaking of which, why is it always referred to as Chinese food, and never as egg foo yung or lo mein, just Chinese food? Welcome to Generica. If at any time you feel like stopping, don't blame me if you lost the respect of your friends along the way. You know, you read too far anyway, so you might as well finish this thing. In the grand scheme of things this planet is so insignificant that our lives are measured in microseconds compared to the universe; think of that the next time you steal my parking spot. If I were handicapped I would hit people with my cane, just like they do in the movies. Sometimes I wish I were female since arousal is easier to hide when you're a girl. This past week has been libido central in my apartment, but unfortunately the station has been serving one solo passenger and he's a little travel weary, if you get my useless metaphor. After some thought I have determined that if I am actually perverted, then I must be having more fun than everybody else. It's really tough to come up with funny ideas when you're as tired as I am right now, so please excuse the lack of humor and keep reading as if you were enjoying this. Strangely enough, I think I dedicate one sentence out of ten about this file you're reading; it's become a self-referencing pile of crap. If your think you can lay a guilt trip on somebody who has survived twenty years in an Italian home, you'd better talk about something Jewish. Rather than live in a huge black glass pyramid, wouldn't it be better to have a house that didn't look silly? Contrary to popular belief, I do know what is going on, I don't put on an act, and I brush my teeth. Q: Is there a way to stop love? A: firearms or polka music. In the grand scheme of things, it is possible to fight evil with a macaroni duck, but not likely. I brought you some nice flowers. I don't know why, but for some stupid reason I can never get home before 2:am and it's wrecking my very important sleep schedule. If you ever get a chance, don't read any of my poetry because a Vogon would question its merit. If you were an animal, what would it be and how would you like to be cooked? I'm very scared of an immature boy with really bad facial hair, but you would be too if you met him. It has taken me about five months to set up my computer just the way I like it and now it is in danger of being taken away from me. Crickets chirping can keep up a good beat better than any white man alive. Surfin' Frog, Surfin' Frog! As much as I want to learn how to code in C++ I'm finding it very difficult and that scares me because it's what I want to do for a living. I might be getting fired from work. Sometimes, the room is just too quiet and you are looking in her eyes and the moment comes and as you're about to move in to kiss her, you get intestinal gas. I have run out of room on my hard drive four times in the last month; does this mean anything to anybody? Just for future reference, if you code a program called WINCHAT.EXE and put it on a computer running Windows for Workgroups and then Chat that person, the program will execute, no matter what it does. (Naughty naughty naughty...) I hate this guy who has lots of chest hair. Is there some reason why you're still here? When my lover comes back, we're probably not going to have sex, as usual. Way back in history, before man learned how to use fire properly, people *still* hated coding in COBOL so why do some companies insist on using it? I think the best way to judge the intelligence of a particular species is to observe the number of "...For Dummies" books they have bought. Even though I have changed and my moods have changed and this file has changed and the geopolitical attitudes have changed, my .signature is exactly the same. When you can't even lift yourself onto a three-inch high ledge, you really need to look at what you're eating. If I spent as much time coding as I do writing in this file I would have sill not come close to the misery Microsoft can produce. As hard as you try, you can never really forget making love to that nasty one you picked up by accident. Even though rats are considered vermin, I still feel the pang of fond memories at the death of a true friend with enormous testicles. I've had my new computer for a week now and I've already filled the hard drive to capacity. One of the greater dilemmas I have faced concerns the choice between a free dinner or sex. I'm very happy that the people who wrote Terminal Velocity made it easy to pirate since I don't own the CD and borrowing it off of a friend would be a royal pain. Even though it's getting harder to hack into certain systems, it's still possible to be a pretty major wArEz d00d and that makes me sigh with relief. I'm pretty impressed with the life I have gotten out of this battery. I just watched "Day of the Jackel" and while it was a pretty good movie, it wasn't the "edge of your seat suspense thriller" the movie cover said it would be. I think I'm going to have to rent "Planet of the Vampires" some time in the near future. People who augment their keyboards for touch typing really annoy me. My hair is becoming more and more snarled as time goes by so I think it's getting closer to haircut day. I recently found something I thought I lost but really misplaced it under my bed; my entire life. In a truly nasty fit of stupidity, I lost about three months of work in poetry by trying to back up my data. There must be something else going on around here, because I'm convinced that only the most beautiful women are allowed to live in the apartment above mine. I really hope that I have another copy of this file someplace else, because I think that I had written a lot more than just this. Just in case you didn't know, my lover left me recently, and the only thing that kept me alive was a promise I made to a friend, long ago. It's difficult to hold a conversation with a loved one when somebody is shouting insults at them. I suppose that I could fit *one* more computer into this apartment. There might be some way to stop the invasion of memories at night, there just might. I made a horrible mistake and wrote some poetry, gave it as a gift to my ex-girlfriend, and then let her read it. Maybe ice cream isn't the best meal to have when it's about 40 degrees inside your apartment. Could things be any worse: why yes, you could be at a football game with one of those stupid "We're #1!" gloves on your hand. Since women seem so intent on dating abusive jerks, I'm going to see if punching the attractive ones will improve my chances of getting dates. For some reason, the last person I was attracted to fell for a guy who was shorter than me, proving once again that God and I do not get along well anymore. Hopefully the government will shut down from lack of funds and I can buy a tank. If things were really going to get better in the world, don't you think that I would have done something about my patchy facial hair? Beloved is the man who can pass gas freely yet harmlessly, especially at dinner parties. Yes, it's true, the writer is running out of ideas so fast that he has to fall back on flatulence references to keep the reader interested. Garbage runs are not a good time to try and pick up women. I think that she's awake, and she's probably not thinking of me. Is there some reason why you're still reading this thing? After living with the most complete slob for about two years, I was remarkably surprised to find out that keeping an apartment clean was not only easy, but satisfying too, and yet I have guests far less often than when the place was a total sty. Some programmer got really bored and wrote a program that reads text files in backwards, but you know what, he wasn't bored enough to read this file as long as you have. My apartment is heated by incandessant and halogen lamps, so I'm getting my light therapy, just like my father has been suggesting for years. Is it just me or are people really stupid when it comes to simple things, like polymorphic differential equations? I am convinced that I can hear a buzzing sound from my rear end, but that will be our little secret, ok? Of all the women I have met in my life, only two have liked guns and I never started a romance with either of them, lucky me. It's damn difficult to look somebody in the eye and then tell them that you consider the friendship you share is more important than rampant sex, especially if you are lying. If I had a faster computer, I would waste more time on it doing the things I love, like looking at porn from the Internet. The government shut down for a couple of days and not too many people were bothered or affected, so doesn't that say something about the necessity of he average government worker? Lick at least one person every day, just for the taste of it. If I was an actor, contrary to popular belief, I would not act in a staged sex scene; I would insist it be something spontaneous. I was a little disturbed that the rather attractive young blonde I met recently was not interested in me as a person, she just looking for a nice place to throw up. I managed to masturbate twice today, just to let you know. If guns are outlawed, will we still enjoy action movies as much? My apartment has no heat, even though I have spoken with a person who would gladly fix the problem many many times in the past weeks, I just keep forgetting to bring up the subject. I never knew how utterly boring my life had become until I tried to come up with something interesting to write about. Q: "What's the difference between herpes and a girlfriend?" A: "Herpes lasts." People who do not respond to my mail don't deserve my attention any more, they don't deserve to be called my friends, and they're not going to get anything from Santa this year either. At long last, my apartment is clean and I own a brand new cat, who is intent on messing it up. There must be some reason why lint can get onto your clothes before you can get into them. Become adept at telling people that they have silly ideas and should drop them immediately. Sometimes personal ads work, but that's usually when you lie. Don't date people who are allergic to your favorite betsheets. Is there some political or religious meaning behind the phrase "Fundamental Fill", or is it somebody's name? When that golden opportunity comes, you actually have a chance to tailor the way your first impression is about to come off, there is no chance in hell that it will ever work the way you intended. Even though dual-scan screens are really neat, they can never get black to come out right, and that really bothers me. All of my computers are working now exactly the way I want them to, so I'm convinced that they are just about ready to explode and shower me with battery acid. Remember kids, if operating systems were beer, UNIX beer would have been brewed at home by monks in robes, DOS beer would still be around for no good reason, and NT beer would require an exceptionally large fridge to hold its huge robust cans. It is very difficult to teach cats not to attack you, especially since humans make such interesting noises when they are clawed. One of the worst pickup lines in the world is "make way for Willy!" Is there some reason why, when I read stories about serial killers, I can sympathize with the main character much more than I really should? Darkness is, by its very nature, romantic, and I suppose that is why vampires can get laid. Along with dying, I have a very severe fear of living too long, like past thirty. Even though I joke about it, I have no real intention of having my foreskin replaced for any reason. Even though you know that the person is absolutely bloody annoying, when she's cute and you haven't been laid in a long time, she starts to look really good. Sometime in the near future, people will be able to purchase salsa in a container that lasts more than ten minutes at a party. Now that I have broken most things on my computer more often than I have ever broken equipment before, I am much more likely to blame problems on hardware than ever before. Two of the coolest things about black cats is that they are colored black, the other is that they are cats, and cats are inherently cool. When a very attractive member of the opposite sex is spending huge amounts of time with people that the Republican Party considers losers, it becomes very difficult to choke back the tears. For some reason, one of my male friends is very attractive to many of my female friends, and he doesn't even know it. In this lifetime, we often have two choices, death or ROO-ROO! Is there a place where the nice people go to die? With any luck, I might be able to cause a rift in one of my friends relationships sometime in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Buy heavy farm equipment and use it on your window box where you grow marijuana. Try to make sure that you have cases for all your CDs before you arrange them in alphabetical order. Never fall into the same pit that so many others have fallen into and gain a sense of fashion before tastes change and you're left in the dust again. Try to purchase plane tickets more than one hour in advance. There's nothing stranger than owning your own home and still be without a reliable income. I'm intent on finding the secret of Pearl Jam before it's too late and they slip into obscurity. If at all possible, purchase a house when you're as young as possible, because you never know where you might need to sleep. Some people are intent on ruining my life by making me watch movies at 1:30 am when I have work the next day, and I just might say something rude about it. The universe's truths become much more powerful and real when you are involved with somebody, and the world makes much more sense. Sometimes you have to avoid some of your friends to enjoy life a little more. In the end, we're all going to see a Jim Carrey movie, so you might as well grin and bear it. Once again, an ex-girlfriend has proven that while they can reach you at any time, day or night, you will never be able to find them even with a surveilence team and a map. If I have one wish in the world, it is that I never ever get a paunch. If everybody in the world were all granted just one wish, I have a stinking suspicion that most people would blow it on something really stupid, like furniture. There are a couple of things I love about California, namely the location, the climate, the people, and the waitresses. I need a car that can travel at 100 mph and still maintain a 35 mpg rating. Why is it that the people who need a UNIX administrator don't like my text-only resume? When ex-girlfriends tell you that their parents think they need psychiatric help, don't cave into stupid doubt, believe the parents. After switching around from product to product, I've decided to stay in the one that has given me the most desk space at work. I told many people that I was going to have sex this weekend, and I did, but I didn't have sex with the person I thought I was going to sleep with. So very much has happened in the past month that I feel obliged to move to a different apartment. It seems that there is yet another spelling of my name in the public forum, causing just as much confusion as ever. I can no longer accuse a friend of mine of going piggin', and that is my own damn fault. It's times like these that people question my sexual morality. Summer is finally here, with a bang, a bullet, and a bad movie. This weekend I managed to see somebody I have not seen for five years, and completely miss somebody I desperately wanted to hook up with since last week. The more times that I try to make a date with somebody, the more I am destined to fail. It's pretty funny that my sexual habits are the conversation topic at a party that I wasn't at. It's taken me about an hour to get elm working, and now that it is, I have no idea why it's working, because I didn't change anything that I can notice. The other day, I had a very Zen experience and suddenly saw how the entire universe worked, and now I can't explain the phenomenon any more than the average person can explain what a color looks like to a blind man. I was stood up today, and the thing that bothers me the most is that I set aside an entire day so this person could tell me that they didn't realize that they were going to be busy. I'm very annoyed that my Internet account was taken away, but then again, I couldn't stop the administrator from graduating, could I? I often wonder what I'm thinking. Try to avoid casual sex unless you can have a completely casual attitude toward casual sex. When you're on a roll, try to pick up every woman you see. Sometimes, those friends you thought knew it all show their true colors and act very stupid. If at all possible, avoid stabbing yourself in the heart with a long needle, unless it's for national security. For some reason, my father insists on showing me large catalogs of guns, almost as if he thinks I'm going to buy a shotgun from a guy in Phillidelphia I've never met before. Sometimes you have to pray to get the car started. Having an active sex life means very little when you really don't care much about your partner. Sometimes the walls of your house seem very bare when you live alone. Sometime you've just gotta be a real DIP. Microsoft internal support reps are some of the most rude and cloying bastards in the world. At some point in your life, you are going to realize that the people you love are most likely attracted to somebody else, which really makes dinner plans difficult. It's very frightening when madmen make so much sense. When one is lonely and desperate, one is very likely to do something very stupid in the hopes that making himself visible will improve his chances of getting laid, like gargling, for example. While it may be remarkably easy to write awful poetry when you want to come up with something good, you just can't write bad enough to impress a yak. Cats have expression down; to show they don't like what you're feeding them, they throw up on the carpet. While, yes, many people have gone out with the last person to see me naked, I don't think I would have slept with her for a grinder. Is there some reason why nothing great ever happens to me anymore? In the interest of national security, I will no longer detonate atomic weapons inside my microwave. The highlights of this past weekend were listening to National Public Radio and moving a cord of wood and if you have to ask, yes, I was in Maine. There has to be some reason why my new Internet account bites a bag of flea-ridden camel testes. Something very strange happened to me today: I realized that not everybody can remember everything that has happened to them. I've been reading a textbook on writing, and it's angering me, since it goes and lays out every rule writers should follow, and then concedes that good writing depends on breaking all those rules. A good friend of mine is going out with somebody that I do not find attractive, which is a first, and consequently, I don't trust her. There may yet be hope for the lonely, I went on a date to other night with an attractive redhead. Just to keep you informed, I no longer go to WPI. Is there a real purpose in letting your cat sleep in your bed when all he does is disturb your own rest? I just got out of a horrible exam that would have gone much better, I'm sure, if I had studied for longer than six minutes. Have you ever noticed that the pattern of a cowboy shirt and the patterns of Federation uniforms are very similar? Fluorescent lights make people look sickly and malnourished, so install lots of them in rooms where people you don't like hang out. I have great hope that I will someday date a woman with long hair. I wonder why only one out of the many vegetarians I know tries to make me feel guilty about eating meat? In the future, there will exist cryptography so powerful, nobody will be able to understand written English, but you can already get that today by asking my brother to hand-write you a note. It surprises me that most of the students in my writing course cannot point out the thesis of their own papers. A good-looking woman in cheap tight pants makes the party happen. Is it considered bad form to calculate probability functions in hopes of determining when you're going to have sex again? When your car is smoking and your oil light is solidly on, it is a good idea to turn the car off. Very few cats ever learn how to play fetch. I know I'm not alone when I say this; a slight amount of body odor on the right person, at the right time, can actually be fairly attractive. Try to diversify your diet beyond Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew. Watch only the television shows that cute people watch since it gives you something to talk about. A neat way to get people you don't like to stop chasing you is to tell them that your Harvard educated supermodel friend is pregnant with your child. You might feel guilty about lying to your parents, but you never ever feel guilty about lying to the IRS even though they have more legal leverage. There's something very wrong when, overnight, a piece of electronic equipment quietly fixes itself. Sometimes you get what you asked for and it scares you too much to enjoy it properly. Many women seem to have breasts that look good only in certain positions. One has to wonder why we say half of the dumbass things we say after sex. I broke a major rule in my life and decided to go out with somebody who shares a name with a character on "The Brady Bunch". Getting decent sleep is almost impossible nowadays. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I can't figure out how to use the menus in EMACS properly. We had to stop making out recently because Frank Sinatra was playing on the radio and she said that it made her think she was making out with her grandfather. There are just sometimes that you have to ask somebody to never make "that" face again. I just lost about two days of productivity trying to get the suspend feature on this bloody laptop to work, so I could save 10 minutes of battery power. You are, unfortunately, asking for fecal matter that I just can't provide. My lover's roommate came in while we were getting intimate, and because everyone was feeling embarrassed, I had to tell the story of how I caught my mother giving head. Now you know, and I bet you're pretty disgusted too. It never ceases to amaze me when people fail to see the humor in "great... want a cookie?" I just made the biggest mistake in my relationship and achieved orgasm with my girlfriend, because now I know it's going to be hell when I try to break up with her. I can't sleep on some nights, especially the ones when I drink mass amounts of Mountain Dew. I wish that I had more commercial grade software for Linux, because then I would be completely MS-FREE and happier with myself. I hate it when people snore, you wake them in the process of shutting them up, and they get indignant and refuse to believe that they were bothering you. Somehow, while I was unable to update this file, many thousands of things happend that you might never hear of. When you finally find the one you've been looking for and you couldn't be more in love, remember to be open-minded enough to your friend's advice to get rid of her; he might know something you don't. There are times when everyone knows how your Feburary went. Yesterday I was sitting on a warm and comfortable porch, enjoying a warm and comfortable day. Today it's snowing like a bitch and I'm miserable. I also am living on three hours of sleep and somewhat unsure if I'm hallucinating or just having vivid daydreams. I recently learned that a friend still had a pair of jeans which I had ripped a hole in from seam to shining seam. I really hate it when I am witty, since it happens so infrequently and I just end up wishing I were more often. One of my deepest regrets about my recently ex-girlfriend is that I never got a chance to see or touch her nipples. Deep in the recesses of your mind lurks the attractive urge to get naked with me, I'm sure. Once again, I have been scorned by the fairer sex only to have another one tempt me with devient pleasures of the flesh less than a week later, which is unfortunate, sine I'm not really into this new development as much as she is; I still need time to mourn. Easter always struck me as a strange holiday; why do we need to buy fake grass for these silly baskets of eggs anyway? I refuse to find French humor funny when it concerns my homework. If a woman who sleeps outside eventually ovulates in synch with lunar cycles, what happens to women on the moon? Does NASA even provide for menstruating women? Sometime in the future, men will be able to say that they have conquered the greatest obstacle we as a species have ever faced, the smell of freshly opened pet food. I recently learned which animal produces the most sperm per ejaculation, but I don't feel any better about it. Silly uselessnes of the week: some fool wants me to get into modeling. I think my cat should go on a diet since his belly now touches his feet when he walks. Just imagine how you would feel if your belly rubbed against your feet when you walked. You'd feel really fat and disgusting right. Wouldn't you? You wouldn't, would you? You're a pig. Exaggerating allows people to make statements they wouldn't normally make in front of other people under the guise of being funny. I'm going to stop writing now because I really need to go and do someting productive, like have an orgasm. I refuse to get up and go to the bathroom even though I desperately need to because I know that this place will be closed by the time I get back. I'm considering upgrading my kernel to 2.0.x on my laptop, but the only reason I'm balking is becase I the current installation has a really nice screen font that I like muchly. I've been able to attract the attention of two women who want to have sex with me; unfortunately both are not very attractive. I have to say, I felt quite unfomfortable seeing an ex-girlfriend at a concert I went to recently, but that was because I still can't understand what I saw in her. I don't understand why I spend so much time on computers if I can't program them any better than I could three years ago. I came to school to try and mingle with the intelligencia; failed again. I have to wonder what the point of writing for a school newspaper is when you're only a freshman; you don't really have a clue how the school works until your junior year, at least. No matter what some companies may say, I believe that the future of computing is in fully open systems and completely portable, safe, object-oriented code, but gee, that's not very visionary, is it? If sex drive could be distilled into a liquid, would it come in two-liter sizes, or would we use it like cough medicine, and how would it taste? Avoid women who make a point of wearing horizontal stripes. To find true love, look for the girl who is not perfect, who does not preen and primp and push-up, and then take her home; she's usually got some seriously repressed sexual deviancies and she wants to let them out. I've decided thet I do not believe in the power of Jesus any more than I believe in the power of Bob. Sometimes you have to vulch because it's the only way you're going to get laid this entire year. When you reach that point in your life when you're completely unsatisfied, down, out, and need to change everything, try dropping some bombs on good friends, like the fact that you never orgasm; it's a neat way to get a laugh. It bothers me terribly that EMACS runs sentence formating better when you use two spaces after a termination period, since that's not how I type. I know that it would be highly unlikely, but just for once I'd like to be able to get to bed at a decent hour. I woke up early today to drive my father to the airport; it was sunny and bright, a beautiful day. Thank god that I usually sleep through those things. Well, I upgraded to Linux 2.0.x on the laptop and promptly screwed things up so badly that I had to remove Linux entirely and just use win95 from now on. As much as I like using Q, I absolutely have to get a real version of Emacs for 95, if only for editing this file. Somebody pointed out to me that I talk abou sex a fair bit in this file. It makes me happy that somebody finally noticed. Being the best man at a wedding you do not entirely approve of is a good way to feel uncomfortable. I am so tired right now and I am convinced that it's the sushi I ate for lunch. I am staying in Philladelphia right now and I have to admit, I have trouble spelling it correctly. I haven't been home in so long I wonder what oral sex feels like. There, I mentioned it again. It's impossible for me to get any work done right now. I don't know who annoys me more, people who refuse to understand technology, or those who say they do but are completely wrong. I managed to get into an argument with the office geek over something that I managed to fix for myself. I would pay real money if I could go to sleep right now. I know that this paragraph is going to need some pretty heavy reformatting but there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I am about to steal stuff. Yet another editor has replaced EMACS on my Win95 machine and I think that it's high time that I got used to the fact the the program is just a little too big to have on my machine. Lying next to me, very naked, is my girlfriend.
Mail Me If you have seen anything here that has interested you, I would love to hear about it. Also, I have my online resume available for those of you who are interested in putting my talents to work for you. Drop me an email sometime!

Have a happy day somewhere else, like New Jersey

"If there is a Hell I'll see you there"
Is Worcester the garden of Eden restored?
>the winged assassin<
eric a markham

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